My dad is an a**hole

[luv2dayx3]

theres really nothing i can do about it if u ask me, but i want to vent and i feel like ive already complained enough to my friends about my parents.

Anyway my dad is kinda insane. He makes things up to prove his point. Accuses me of things i didnt do so he can call me "uncooperative" and "irresponsible". If hes home theres a 100% garantee that hes going to come give you a lecture, unless he finds someone else to give it to. He gets really scary sometimes, but most of the time he just looks like a dumba*s because he NEVER stops argueing and complaining. He never wants to hear your point of view and refuses to see how irrational he is. Sometimes i think hes bipolar because hes either in a really bad mood or so giggly you think hes drunk... maybe he is drunk.. idk, probably not all the time.
I have no idea why he wants to be like this. Maybe he gets some kind of kick out of it. But its crazy and nonstop. He never runs out of things to complain about. And hell sit you down and make you stay and listen to him ***** about g*d knows what, for up to an hour.

The funny thing is hell actually try and convince me to live at home while im at college and then like 20min later hell be yelling at me about not helping out enough or wasteing electricity. Its not just a comment either, at least my mom is reasonable like that. if he has something to say hell draw it out into 20 minutes of insults and "you know what your problem is? blah blah blah". there is no way in HELL im staying at this house. I used to want to because i felt bad for my mom and sisters but theres nothing i can do for them. He never listens. Both me and my sister agree that we would have divorced him by now if we were my mom.

theres another post on the site under relationships i think, called marrying a jew. Its about how this girls dad was making her really upset always trying to force his opinion down her throat and never leaving her alone. I wrote this really long reply to it telling her how i could totally relate and my dads just like that! well guess what, turns out that girl was my younger sister. we were complaining about the same dad. fml?

He also tries to force his views on other people. like my friends. this one time we were driving my devoted christain friend home from the mall and hes sitting there talking about how religeon is probably made up to keep people in order. like a whole lecture on it.

another time we were in disney world and watching the fireworks. Hes like "I think we can get a better view around the back" :B because he ALWAYS has to be in control of EVERYTHING. but i told him i wanted to stay at the front to see tinkerbell. He did not stop complaining about how he couldnt see the fireworks as well and it was too crowded although i was standing right next to him and i could see them JUST FINE. then he tells me i ruined the fireworks. well you know what dad? YOU RUIN DISNEY WORLD! hes a horribly disagreeable person to live around and i cant wait to be freee!!!!!!

comments and stories are welcome <3

[shufleye]

wow luv2dayx3, that is really brutal. i'm sorry that things are so tough at home.

it is really hard when you have a parent that you can not relate to, and even harder when a parent consistently behaves in a way that makes them seemingly impossible to respect.

as kids (and this is true no matter how old we get vis-a-vis our parents), there is something important and 'safe' in being able to look up to and respect our parents. when that is taken from us, it hurts on so many levels.

you know, sometimes a person has a problem with a parent is it is mostly a matter of communication and finding a way to reach out and be heard.

but it sounds like in your situation that something more profound is going on.

did you ever try talking to your mom privately about your concerns and what you (and your sister) are going through? it sounds like you guys respect and are cool with your mom, so maybe she can be the bridget to understanding in this situation.


let me share an idea with you: sometimes we expect more from the adults in our lives than they can give us. sometimes a teacher or rabbi or parent can really disappoint us, but it is not because they are bad or are not doing the best they know how. it is simply because they are operating at the limits of the good that they are capable of.

never forget: Each of us is only as wise as the experiences we have already had in life.

This means that sometimes a kid deserves the deep respect of a much older adult, because that kid has somehow experienced more profound things in life than the adult. it also means that sometimes a very well-intentioned teacher, parent or rabbi might not have the wisdom to understand everything we need from them, or realize when they are disappointing us. do you see what i mean?

if you come to your mom and she feels that you are simply dissing your dad or throwing the burden on her, she might not be able to handle that so well.

but if you tell her you need to find some time to talk heart-to-heart and without interruption about something (and really insist and wait for such a time and place), and then tell her that you need her advice and perspective because you are not sure how to handle the situation or how to understand it, then perhaps she might have some ideas and insight.

your mom probably has a very real sense of what you are going through, but does not want to take sides or 'attack your dad to his own kids'. but if you come to her in a non-threatening way, perhaps she can help.

let me know what happens. and always feel free to email me @ shu@thelockers.net.

you are not alone with this. and again, i'm sorry it is so tough.

[luv2dayx3]

Its ok. Im going to college next year!! woot! :D but although my dad can be hard to live with hes really all talk. Hes threatened to hit me like once or twice but he never has.
As for my mom, she understands and agrees with me but.. she never stands up for herself. I guess shes just so used to it. Shes usually really apathetic about it and she gets more crap than me and my sisters do. Its probably my own fault that i get yelled at for always defending her against his irrationality. Im always speaking out what i think even though it makes him mad. I feel like i shouldnt just sit back and watch it all happen. If i do then how can i garantee I wont end up in the same situation? With a husband who doesnt listen to me? I dont want to be a passive, indifferent person.
Anyway as for "what happens" i expect it to continue like this pretty much forever. x] i mean, ive tried to work things out everyway i know how and i cant change who he is.
My oldest memory of him argueing with my mom was when i was really young. Maybe even before my sisters were born.. i could have been about 7-5 years old, but i cant be sure bcs everything from ages that young kinda mesh together. the memory is really vivid though and almost ironic.
It was in my old house. The basement is carpeted a pale yellow and furnished. The stairs are carpeted too. the walls are painted white. My mom was sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying, and my dad was at the top of the stairs yelling at her. I went over and hugged her and asked her if she wanted a tissue. She said no but i brought her the tissue box anyway. Thats pretty much it though. I also remember drawing pictures in crayon of two people (my parents) and a broken heart and trying to write please dont get a divorce on it. then id put it on the fridge.
Of course theyre still together and they probably always will be. My dad hasnt changed but things have still gotten better because weve learned how to deal. Thats all history though. I got used to it years ago.
Other than the fact that its hard to live with him sometimes, It has been a good learning experiance. :P I know exactly how i DONT want to be treated by a significant other and how i want to treat people around me.
Isnt that memory weird though? Like ominous? My dad at the top of the stairs, being all powerful and in charge with his belowing voice, and my mom at the bottom, on her knees, crying. (she doesnt cry much anymore) And then me, butting in and trying to make things better. It was a like a depiction of the future.
anyway, its nice being able to talk about it with someone. :] ill be ok. thanks for the different perspective and thanks for replying!

[shufleye]

it is great that you have the courage to stand up for what you think is right, and it is also a sign of wisdom that you are able to recognize and accept the degree to which certain things are out of your control.

you can't, should not, own the problems between your parents. without a doubt these things affect you deeply, especially given that you have younger siblings that you feel somewhat protective over. but it sounds like your family has found a status-quo, albeit a difficult one, where no-one is in danger and everyone has pretty much figured out how to coexist. (of course, if you felt you or your mom or any of your siblings were in danger, than you should reach out for help right away!)

as far as how you will turn out, one of my best friends growing up was pretty much abused as a kid. his parents believed in spanking with a belt, and sometimes would go too far and leave him with welts on his body. he used to worry that he might grow up to do the same to his kids. but one day i told him, "dude, you are a gentle and kind person. if you obssess over this, than maybe you will create such a deep impression in your mind over abuse as a response to anger/frustration that it will accidentally come up when you are an adult in such a situation. forget about it. make up your mind right now that this is uncool and that you reject this way of parenting/discipline. and then don't worry about it anymore. by your own kind and loving nature, you have nothing to worry about. you are who you are. know that."

and you know what, luv2dayx3? me and this guy are still good friends. and he is an awesome and gentle and loving dad to his kids today.

from all you have written in The Lockers, it is clear that you are a kind and fair person. make your notes in your mind and heart about the good and bad things your parents do. and then don't worry.

you will be a great spouse/adult/mom one day. and you will pick a guy to share your life with who deserves the special person that you are, and who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

you are who you are. rest assured.

[luv2dayx3]

thanks so much! :]
i actually do sometimes worry about becoming my dad. my grandpop was apparently much like my dad is now. i even hav a seperate page in my journal where i write "i wont become my dad" over and over... ill deffinatly think over what you said.