Dead Dad

[BlabbyABB]

Hey there. So I'm new to the lockers and not super sure how this all works, but i'm basically just looking for someone to listen. 2 months ago my dad, with whom I was very close, died of an accidental overdose. Since then my life has gone down the tubes. I barely sleep, and when I do I never want to get up. My mom decided I have issues that I'm not dealing with and tried to push me to see a shrink even though I told her I didn't want to. Ever since then our relationship has been rocky at best. and my older brother(19) is basically a maniac who thinks he's "the man of the house" now that our dad is gone. He belittles every thing I do, which for an 11th grader is a lot. I'm in all honors/Advanced Placement classes, research chair on the debate team, I'm in my school's litterary magazine and sing in my school's honors choir. Along with all that, I also have a part time job. All he ever says is that I don't do anything and that I just sit and watch television all day. I don't know how to approch him and make him understand that I actually do a lot. I don't know how to make him understand that I'm really just trying my best to get over my dad's death and cope with life. Any advice?

[luv2dayx3]

I am so sorry about your loss. i cannot imagine what it must be like to loose a parent as young as we are. My boyfriends mom actually died just a few months ago before we started dating. Were both seniors. we dont really talk about it so i cant imagine what hes feeling. Therapists arent always so bad, i think it might help and put your moms mind at ease. If you still really dont want to see one i think its important that you at least talk to someone about what your going through. Ive never experianced something this intense but i think one of the best ways to help yourself is by connecting with people. thats how i get through most of my problems. One of those people you could try connecting with is your brother. Im sure hes having a hard time with it too, and maybe to him this " man of the house" role hes taking on is his way of trying to fix things. but like i said i havnt had a loss this close to home, so i can only try my best when responding to ur post. I just want you to know that were listening here at the lockers and ill be here if you wanna talk :]

[cooldudeman789]

Hey there. So I'm new to the lockers and not super sure how this all works, but i'm basically just looking for someone to listen. 2 months ago my dad, with whom I was very close, died of an accidental overdose. Since then my life has gone down the tubes. I barely sleep, and when I do I never want to get up. My mom decided I have issues that I'm not dealing with and tried to push me to see a shrink even though I told her I didn't want to. Ever since then our relationship has been rocky at best. and my older brother(19) is basically a maniac who thinks he's "the man of the house" now that our dad is gone. He belittles every thing I do, which for an 11th grader is a lot. I'm in all honors/Advanced Placement classes, research chair on the debate team, I'm in my school's litterary magazine and sing in my school's honors choir. Along with all that, I also have a part time job. All he ever says is that I don't do anything and that I just sit and watch television all day. I don't know how to approch him and make him understand that I actually do a lot. I don't know how to make him understand that I'm really just trying my best to get over my dad's death and cope with life. Any advice?
wow man- thats as tough as it gets. its amazing- it sounds like youre somehow reacting to your situation extremely maturely, and i hope you dont belittle that in your mind, no matter how much your brother belittles it- leave the belittling to him. some people think that when they're faced with an extremely difficult situation like yours, it means that G-d doesnt like them. but that is SO far from true. everything that G-d does to us is a test- He wants to see how we handle situations- easy and difficult- and wants to see if we can remain the kind, good people we can be even through tough times. He doesnt give tests that we cannot pass. so by giving difficult tests to people like you, G-d Himself is saying "i believe that you, blabbyabby, can pass this test and still remain to be the incredible person that you are an can be." and now when you do a good deed and someone who was not charged with such a difficult situation as yours does that same deed, G-d is so much more impressed by your good deed! and the fact that you continue to be an honors student, on the choir, debate team, magazine, jobs is literally inspirational.

its important to break down the things that are SO justifiably troubling you, because when someone is upset and they dont understand clearly the reason, it always seems worse than it is. so just in case you dnt have it organized in your head, lets break it down: 1- the passing of your father, 2- your mom relationship; 3- your bro situation.

1- your father. man- it just stinks. but hey sometimes crap happens, and u just gotta know that its not at all your fault in any way, and realize that G-d mercifully helps us cope with hard times. you said that you feel like your life has "gone down the tubes." but dont view your current situation as a permanent one. these things take time to get over and to recuperate from, but they dont take forever. there WILL be a day when you will look back and honestly tell yourself "i really feel better than i did when i posted on thelockers." feelings usually take considerable chunks of time to shift, and all you need now is to be patient and to not feel guilty for being down in the dumps. in fact, jewish law suggests that when a parent passes away, the mourner should spend an entire YEAR in a state of mourning (not listening to happy music, seeing live shows, going to happy occassions like weddings, etc.). its your right and responsibility to yourself to take as much time as you need to healthily recover from your loss.

2- your mom. lets look at it from her perspective- it looks like she is doing what she thinks is best for you. she has been hurt by the loss, and it probably hurts even more to see that her son is sad. would it be helpful if she would realize that it might be better to take things more slowly? absolutely. but hey- you cant blame her- its a tough time for everyone. maybe you can tell her that you just need more time, and if a considerable amount of time (maybe try the Jewish law's suggestion- one year from the passing) passes and youre still super-bummed, you'll be willing to see a shrink. you should realize that seeing a shrink is not the worst thing in the world, and good could very much come out of it, if need be. for the sake of your relationship with her, its probably a good idea to tel her super-respectuflly, even if you dont feel like being super-respectful, because remember- the situation sucks for her too. remember- you both want the same end- that you end up being happy; but the opinions may differ on the means to that end. but when it comes down to it, the bottom line is that youre both on the same team.

3- your bro. it sounds like he is taking the loss the worst. he is probably filled with such sorrow and sadness that he literally doesnt know what to do with himself, and it seems like he's taking out that frustration on you. i could speculate as to why he's doing what he's doing. sounds like he feels like he should be the one to take over, being the oldest. seeing you with all your credentials probably scares him. is he as successful as you? if not, it makes a lot of sense- he feels like if he doesnt put you down by belittling the incredible things that you do, you will take over as the "man of the house" because youre better-qualified for the position. if he is as successful as you, it doesnt matter- when comparing ourselves to others, we all tend to get a little jealous of others and get intimidated by them. if youd ask me, he's intimidated by you (but he'll NEVER admit that), so he wants to belittle you so that he will be the "man of the house." there are other potential reasons, and it could easily be more than one reason, why he's doing this. for example, did you have a better relationship with your dad thhan he did? that would cause him to be jealous of you. there are thousands of more potential reasons.

so what do you do regarding your brother? 1-dont let his attacks on you enter your heart. realize that theyre just stupid defense-mechanisms he's spewing to help himself feel better (and believe me- they dont work. he needs to talk to someone for emotional help and advice, but thats not your place. maybe you can tell your mom to tell him to talk to someone- i dont (necesarily) mean a shrink- it can be another relative, a friend, a Rabbi, anyone.) and they have NOTHING to do with you. you could become the president of the usa and he would still be saying that youre a bum. as long as he wants to think that youre a bum, he'll think youre a bum. its your responsibility to yourself to realize that his attacks should have NO emotional effect on you whatsoever; they should be worth nothing to you and you should ignore them completely. you are diong freaking incredibly- with all your credentials DESPITE your difficult life situation. man- youre a superstar.

2- im sure you want him to stop bugging and condescending you. well- maybe you can express the previous paragraph to him, or my 1st paragraph- or a mixture of both. if anyone will make him stop being annoying, it would probalby not be you, because he is so biased against you, as explained above. its possible that he wont stop for a long time, but remember- its not you, and you gotta just let it roll of your back. and you know a good thing you can say to him? how about "understand that I'm really just trying my best to get over my dad's death and cope with life." i think thats a great way to let him know.

your situation is so tough and youre sticking it out so incredibly- keep it up, and good luck.