IS it wrong to date/lead on if you arent physically attracted to the person?

[kiyara]

hey everyone,

so i am in this relationship that came from being friends. i am/was friends with this boy, and you know how it is when your friends with someone of the opposite sex, theres always a shtickle flirting, and the occasioanl "oh what if we ewre to go out" thought, but lately i have felt reallly attracted to him, when i talk to him or hang out with him, i love his personality and it makes me basically have a crush on him. (weird 5-th grade term)
and i know that he likes me and thinks that i am hot and likes talking to me and we relate to each other and all,... but hi dont think he knows that i am not really that physically attracted to him. now we are not shomer, but we don't (or havent, so far) done any real touching(like only friendly stuff like high fives)

and i definitely am attracted to him; there is mental and physical evidence for that. so am i being a little deceptive or whatnot?
like, is that ok for me to do...
if u were a guy would u be ok with that?(btw we arent like so completely officially going out, i mean we are, but we just talk a lot and hang out and stuff)

[hollar]

i think tis not only ok, i think its amazing u want to go out with him for everything but his looks. thats what makes a great relationship, not the other way around, and trust me, the attraction grows if you love their personality like you do. and no, dont tell him u dont find him particularly attractive looking, itll only make him feel bad abt himself and its not lying to him if he doesnt know. u wanna b with him and ur attracted to him, so wat r u leading him on abt?

[kiyara]

i hear, thank you for that - and thank you for actually replying! because, even though nobody replied, stuff is still happening and like this relationship keeps going. although its weird- theres like spurts of time in which we see each other a lot and talk a lot, and thne like a week wil;l go by where we like barely talk. im a little bit confused, but trying not to read too much into it, i mean we have our lives, diff schools, etc.

[hollar]

yea, thts the problem with unofficial things, u still have tht but were not official so we can treat the relationship like were just friends wen its convenient. sum like it tht way, and sum dont. lol i guess im stating the obvious but ppl hu like unofficial relationships do it for tht reason, plus a few others. if those spurts of time bother u, try bringing up actually going out...

[kiyara]

yeah but see i cant because i am the girl and i dont want to be the initiator of anything b/c of bad past experiences that i had while doing that.

[randomness123]

its totally find to lead on or date a person if ure not attracted physically.... however, there has to be another connection. also dont lie too much, tell him you think hes good looking dont boost their ego too much otherwise when u break up hell be crushed and realize u lied to him

[The Nameless One]

I have a friend who's a boy who's been my best friend since we were 5, i haven't seen him since 5th grade but we talk via e-mail, im and the phone all the time, at one point i was attracted to him, b/c he's such a nice caring funny person, and i have no clue what he looks like, it was just temporary, he's back to being my friend, luckily since he moved to florida and i'm probably never going 2 see him again.

point is, being attracted 2 someone based on personality not looks is better and the relationship is stronger and will last longer. it's perfectly all right to like some1 based on those terms.

[IHateSATs]

I totally agree.
I was introduced to this girl (online introduction) a month or so ago but because of our busy schedules we haven't yet gotten to meet. However in our subsequent conversations (every night pretty much) we both realize how much we are meant for each other. So a relationship based upon things other than looks can work (or has so far already). I'm seeing her on Sat night so will tell u how it went after that

Peace out

[randomness123]

what if its someone you totally connect with but you just cant hook up with b/c theyre not at all attractive, is it ok then to lead them on even tho u have no plans to hook up?

[2face78]

i dont really think its fair and regret sort of doing it once. its not right
IM OUT

[kiyara]

randomness123- well if they know u arent shomer, then maybe you should be sort of upfront about how u really are liking the personality and mental relationship but the physical part is not gonna work out for u 2.

as for me, i find that this person is incredibly attractive, and 80% because i know him very well now. isnt that notable...

[whuknu]

i agree- plus if u really get to know the person and u really like them, then eventually u might (emphasis on the might) become physically attracted to them... kinda like kiyara sed about 80% of why she finds hiom so attractive is cuz she knows him so well

[2face78]

i agree. it sorta varies. like i had a gf i found attractive but now, after the fact i realize she isnt good looking. while ur in the relationship the inside helps the outside
IM OUT

[forget]

some people are just nice and you can never become attracted to them through being ok. but some people who aren't good looking but you can have that connection with- they can become the most attractive person in the world. that connection and special relationship makes it all worth it. i have a guy friend i am totally in love with. we have an amazing relationship. he lives far away so when i saw him for the first time in a month i was so enamored by our relationship and conversation and how that had developed all i wanted to do was kiss him and hug him even though he is not particularely good looking. its all about the personality and relationship

[blah]

all these are examples of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

[2face78]

ur right blah-personality for some reason affects the looks-at least to me
IM OUT

[baseball guy]

Personality can effect looks but only to a certain extent. Like, with good friends of the same sex, you may have a genuine love (not sexual connotation, but u know) for them, but you dont have a desire to make out with them, right (assuming you are heterosexual)? So there must be at least some kind of physical connection. But you do sometimes have the desire to hug same sex friends, but thats not sexual, u know?

[whuknu]

agreed blah- u r right- some ppl say that only ugly ppl say that- but if u think about it-its really true.

[whuknu]

thats true baseball guy. but for a friend who is the same sex (heterosexualy speaking) i guess its a little diferent. like i hug my friends who are girls all the time- not cuz i want to have sex with them- but for me its the same way with guys- i dont really want to have sex with them just hug them. for a while i liked this guy- hes not like ugly or nething but hes really not anything special looking. at first i didnt like him cuz i didnt know him- then i got to know him and i started liking him- but i decided that things prob wouldnt work out btwn us since we are a few yrs apart and at diferent place in our lives- but this guy is already past his yr in israel and hes shomer and everything so there is really nothing ever physical- so my feelings for him werent sexual so much as they were, i feel that i sort of connect with him - not i want to go to bed with him.

[PrUnE]

To the topic question, NO it is not wrong.

[2face78]

Personality can effect looks but only to a certain extent. Like, with good friends of the same sex, you may have a genuine love (not sexual connotation, but u know) for them, but you dont have a desire to make out with them, right (assuming you are heterosexual)? So there must be at least some kind of physical connection. But you do sometimes have the desire to hug same sex friends, but thats not sexual, u know?
wat the hell u sayin-i may be considered a little homophobiic in that it bothers me when a guy touches me in wat may seem to be a sexual thing-totally not saying either is gay i guess im jsut a little weird but if i have the desire to hug a freind of mine it is only bc i want to hug a person-not bc there is any physical connection. thats alittle wierd to me!
IM OUT

[whuknu]

well i know what hes talkling about- i hug my friends all the time- u dont have to though, but i got his point.

[other]

wat the hell u sayin-i may be considered a little homophobiic in that it bothers me when a guy touches me in wat may seem to be a sexual thing-totally not saying either is gay i guess im jsut a little weird but if i have the desire to hug a freind of mine it is only bc i want to hug a person-not bc there is any physical connection. thats alittle wierd to me!
IM OUT

that dosn't mean your homphopic, it just means that you uncomfterbal with "sexual advances" being made on\at (idk which is right) you

[2face78]

its not a sexual advance though its being touched by a guy-not like always just in sort of unusual ways like sitting on my lap and other stuff-but at other times it doesnt bother me. idk
IM OUT

[other]

siting on ur lap is a sexual advance, perticualary if its another guy, just like putting ur arm around a girl is, you and them just dont always realize it

[whuknu]

why are we defining sexual advance?

[baseball guy]

Ok. To clarify the point i brought up: At least part of sexual desire comes from looks (not all personality) because otherwise people would be homosexual all the time. Most people have good friends of the same sex they enjoy hanging out with, but since there is no physical attraction, there is no desire to be gay. However, maybe some of it is personality because guys do tap each other on the back, and in a real emotional circumstance they may give each other a light hug or whatever. thats all I was saying.

To add: A sexual advance is different for every person. For some its sitting on a lap for some its a hug, for some its even a slap on the back. It depends on your level of homophobia.

I hope I did not confuse everyone more by this clarification.

[Reu6922123]

The Gemorah asks if a girl who is MaKadish thru a shliach is not trangressing the commandment of Va'Ahavta L'raachaw Kmocha. Because if they get married and there is something which grosses him/her out that can lead to hating the other person because of his/her "ugleness".

Comes out that even thought the Kesubah is still Chal (intact) its not the best way to do it thru a Sliach (i.e. that he should see the the girl before.

So from this Gemorah its not the most Haruah (fitting) that the girl should not be seen or not be attractive.
Anybody who wants to see it inside should look at the misnah Haisha Makadaish
and will understand better from there (at least it anwserd the question for me if I am not attracted there will be no "leading on" or dates, that is one of the qulifications which is recommened and pushed by our torah, a phisical attraction that is).

So the anwser is, no.

[qwerty]

reu,
i disagree with your application of that gemora here. as you said, the concern there was that not seeing each other "can lead to hating the other person because of his/her "ugleness"
but that is only talking about where they did not see each other, where they have no idea what the person looks like, and maybe are not willing to accomodate marrying someone whose looks they dont like.
however, in a situation where someone saw the other person beforehand, that may be different, for 2 reasons. first of all, the person makes a conscious decision that they will have a relationship with the other person where he/she is not attracted to her/him. secondly, that was a situation where the two individuals did not know each other's personalities, whereas here they do.
also,the gemara is talking about marraige, and i think the question asked on this forum was in reference to dating/leading on, where the factors considered are sometimes different.
and anyhow, i agree with the people who said that those in a relationship can become more attracted to each other physically if they connect as friends emotionally.

[qwerty]

reu,
i disagree with your application of that gemora here. as you said, the concern there was that not seeing each other "can lead to hating the other person because of his/her "ugleness"
but that is only talking about where they did not see each other, where they have no idea what the person looks like, and maybe are not willing to accomodate marrying someone whose looks they dont like.
however, in a situation where someone saw the other person beforehand, that may be different, for 2 reasons. first of all, the person makes a conscious decision that they will have a relationship with the other person where he/she is not attracted to her/him. secondly, that was a situation where the two individuals did not know each other's personalities, whereas here they do.
also,the gemara is talking about marraige, and i think the question asked on this forum was in reference to dating/leading on, where the factors considered are sometimes different.
and anyhow, i agree with the people who said that those in a relationship can become more attracted to each other physically if they connect as friends emotionally.