My younger brother on inappropiate sites...

[BY matdel]

I look at my family computer's history once in a while and I keep seeing someone searching for 'girls' and sites like bikini models etc. The only suspect is my 13 year old younger brother. What do I do? Who do I tell? My parents are the type to deal with it completely wrong so I don't want to tell them...I am freaking out! This is my brother's soul that's getting ruined by these sites and images!! HELP!!

[WriterAtHeart]

Saying this as a fellow BYer...

I completely understand how disturbed you are by this, but please bear in mind that it's 100% normal for kids that age to look stuff up like that online, especially boys (they tend to be more visual than girls are - there have been threads on here about this in the past). He's displaying a normal curiosity - that's a good thing!

I don't think you should tell anyone as of yet. Right now his yetzer hara is taking over, and calling him out on this would just make him feel guilty for something normal, and repression really isn't a good thing. I don't think his nishama's being poisoned by this stuff.

Keep an eye on his computer activity. If you see he starts looking up worse stuff, then I think you should go to a rebbetzin/rabbi and ask him or her what you should do, since real porn can seriously screw a kid up (I've watching eons of Dr. Phil) and may or may not hurt a nishama. I think your worry should be more in terms that such sites and images corrupt his sense of what normal women should look like and what he should expect a future partner to look like and act like.

So, in summation:
What do you do? Right now, nothing. Just keep his computer activity in check and worry if it gets worse.
Who do you tell? No one, right now. If it gets worse, then approach a rebbetzin/rabbi about what they think of the situation.

Does that sound feasible?

[BY matdel]

But once my brother sees these images they're not going to go away...He's going to have them in his head every time that he tries to learn. This could ruin him! I've read first-hand stories of boys in yeshiva who looked at images that stunted their learning and it took them years to recover. I don't want this happening to my little tzaddik'le brother :,(

[WriterAtHeart]

But once my brother sees these images they're not going to go away...He's going to have them in his head every time that he tries to learn. This could ruin him! I've read first-hand stories of boys in yeshiva who looked at images that stunted their learning and it took them years to recover. I don't want this happening to my little tzaddik'le brother :,(

Please trust me that it really doesn't work like that. It's not like when a 33-year-old guy picks up a Gemara the image of a girl in a bikini that he saw when he was 13 is gonna suddenly pop up in his head.

(And I hate to tell you, but Jewish texts have a lot of stuff a heck of a lot dirtier than bikini-clad girls in them. In the Torah we've got stuff like Noah and his sons, Lot and his daughters, Yehuda and Tamar, Yosef and Aishet Potifar - and that's just from the first half of Bereishis! In the Gemara, think of stories like R Kahana under his rebbe's bed to hear what he says during sex, the whole question about the naked guy who falls off the roof into the naked girl and wondering if she's still a betulah, how well-endowed R Papa is, and we're not even talking about Meseches Kallah, which is virtually a Jewish Kama Sutra, although not technically part of the Talmud.)

The stories you've heard about yeshiva guys' learning stunted by non-tznius images are written by people with good intentions to bad results. I have to assume that 95%, if not 100%, of those stories are completely made up. You don't actually personally know the authors of such stories, and if you do, then you still don't know if they actually happened. The frum community often annoys me because of the repression of anything inherently sexual when it's completely normal. Teenagers who are coming into their sexuality are supposed to explore what they feel, and while Torah Judaism (kinda) encourages that, the frum community represses it and calls it evil when it's really not.

It's really amazing how much you care for your brother, and it's nice to see how much you want to make sure he's okay. Understand that the way to help his nishama the most is to let this pass without trying to interfere.

One of my cousins was saved during the Holocaust because her parents put her in a Catholic convent. After the war, the nuns gave her back to her parents (both survived), but she didn't want to leave, since she accepted Catholicism. Her extremely frum (I mean REALLY frum) parents dragged her to America with them and asked the rabbi what to do. He told them to give in to whatever she wanted and let it pass. She actually slept with a cross over her bed for a while before she reaccepted Judaism.

I mention this story to show that I think you should just let it pass, unless it gets worse and he starts looking at hardcore stuff. Put it this way - is it ideal that your brother is looking at such images? No. But is it bad that he's doing it? Absolutely not. It's 100% normal and it's not in any way, shape, or form going to harm his nishama. If he starts looking at more hardcore stuff, it might, but as I said before, I think the concern should be more in terms of his later relationships.

[satisfaction=happiness]

what do you mean with ''My parents are the type to deal with it completely wrong so I don't want to tell them''?

[satisfaction=happiness]

I think that it is important to stop your brother before he starts with שכבת זרע.

the problem is that he doesn't know what he does and at the moment he will know , he will be addicted to שכבת זרע.

and שכבת זרע is one of the biggest sins.

and you brother will know that he sins , and he will feel discusting about himself and desperate because not knowing who to turn to with that problem.

first of all you should Pray for your brother and you should Pray that Hashem gives him the strenght to overcome this ניסיון.

Then I think that YOU should speak with your brother and explain him the consequences.And show him Kitzur Shulchan Aruch siman 151 where the halachos of שכבת זרע are discussed.

act before it is to late

[WriterAtHeart]

I think that it is important to stop your brother before he starts with שכבת זרע.

the problem is that he doesn't know what he does and at the moment he will know , he will be addicted to שכבת זרע.

and שכבת זרע is one of the biggest sins.

and you brother will know that he sins , and he will feel discusting about himself and desperate because not knowing who to turn to with that problem.

first of all you should Pray for your brother and you should Pray that Hashem gives him the strenght to overcome this ניסיון.

Then I think that YOU should speak with your brother and explain him the consequences.And show him Kitzur Shulchan Aruch siman 151 where the halachos of שכבת זרע are discussed.

act before it is to late

If every guy who's guilty of shichvat zera went to hell, heaven would be solely populated by women. It's a completely normal part of maturing and gonna happen whether or not a kid is told about the consequences of the actions. Trying to intimidate your brother by telling him about the consequences of the action according to halacha will just make him guilty for something he shouldn't.

On the other hand, satisfaction=happiness has a point in that it is against halacha, but according to Heshy Fried at Frum Satire, all halacha questions yeshiva guys ask are based around shichvat zera, so your brother probably knows the halachas already. If he doesn't, he'll probably learn them on the corner like everyone else did.

Niddah 13 also talks about the concept, if you want to see the direct source in the Gemara. (It's also good for a laugh. You can read it in English here http://www.dafyomi.co.il/nidah/points/ni-ps-13.htm.)

[shufleye]

there are a few things to keep in mind here:

1) your brother, or someone else in your family, does not realize that what they do on the Internet leaves a trail that others can see. this is probably a good thing, as it will allow you to keep an eye on things and to know what he is up to.

2) your brother is doing something that, from the standards of your family and your Spiritual upbringing, is very harmful to him (and also debasing to women, regardless of anyone's particular religious standard).

3) you want to help him to stop doing what he is doing

4) YOU DO NOT WANT TO CAUSE HIM TO FEEL SHAME! This is a very, very important point that is often overlooked when dealing with such issues. Sexuality and intimacy are things that are regarded as very Holy and special in yiddishkeit (Judaism). Our goal is not to make people feel ashamed of this aspect of themselves, but rather to fill this component of their lives with meaning, depth, and "ruchniyut" (Spirituality). All education and guidance on such matters must be done in a manner that brings the person to regard the topic with more respectful, sensitive, and spiritual eyes -- never, EVER should intimacy be associated with shame or disgrace. That kind of negative association and feeling can follow a person into their marriage and hurt their future life with a spouse.

5) Giving Rebuke: The Chazon Ish and Rabbi Akiva both ruled that there was no-one in their generations who could properly give rebuke (tochachah). If this was true in their times, all the more so is it true for us. Tochachah (rebuke) is not meant to make another person feel badly, but rather to help them see past a certain temptation or failure and believe in their ability to overcome it and do better! (the word 'Tochachah' comes from the word 'le'hochiach' - to prove. so it is about showing with clarity what is the right way, rather than making a person feel bad and miserable, which only sets them up to fail even more...)


All this said, I think there are two goals you have here:

1) To make your home computer a 'safe place' for your brother and your entire family to use and to go online (temptation is temptation for all people, young and old, and based on your family's standards you should most certainly be running some filtering software on the home computer so that NO-ONE is tempted).

2) To find a way to teach some values to your brother in a way that he can hear what you have to say and receive your words in a positive light and without being defensive.


Regarding the first goal, making your computer safe for the entire family, I suggest that you simply bring up to your parents that you recently had a discussion with some friends, and that you learned that many members of the religious community protect their home-computers from being a 'stumbling block' of temptation by running Internet filtering software. Some even use Internet access services that protect what does and does not come into the home at all (i.e. filters on the Internet connections itself, or filters on the home computer).

Here are three links that your family can use in order to make the home computer less of a temptation for activities that don't fit with your family's values:
http://www.kleenweb.com/
http://www.koshernet.com/
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/


Regarding the second issue, rather than telling your brother that you saw what he was doing, tell him that a friend of yours recently discovered HER brother looking at immoral sites. Tell him that you gave her some advice, but wanted to talk to him about what you said to your friend, to hear what he thinks about what you said. This will allow you to have a very open and constructive conversation with your brother about the topic and the rights and wrongs of it all, without him feeling defensive at all.


Kaveh El HaShem, Chazak v'Ametz Libech, v'Kaveh El HaShem.
May HaShem bless you to find the right words and the best approach.

[WriterAtHeart]

Regarding the first goal, making your computer safe for the entire family, I suggest that you simply bring up to your parents that you recently had a discussion with some friends, and that you learned that many members of the religious community protect their home-computers from being a 'stumbling block' of temptation by running Internet filtering software. Some even use Internet access services that protect what does and does not come into the home at all (i.e. filters on the Internet connections itself, or filters on the home computer).

Here are three links that your family can use in order to make the home computer less of a temptation for activities that don't fit with your family's values:
http://www.kleenweb.com/
http://www.koshernet.com/
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/

ftr, filters are painfully easy to get through, so don't fall back on them as a quick way to get out of the forest. We've got the Jnet at school, and it's hilarious how easily we can get around them. So far we've hacked into Gmail, Google Images (that took a while), Yahoo!, AOL, YouTube (that also took a while - I was so proud of myself), Only Simchas, Teen Ink, Do Something, etc.

[knock6495]

My 13 year old nephew was having the same problem, so I installed K9 Web Protection on his computer. I haven't exactly looked for ways to get around it, but from what I've seen it's hard to gain internet access.

It's tough to explain to a kid why he can't look at those images when you can barely control yourself though...

[BY matdel]

Hi, sorry it's been a while since I have updated the situation. We have K-9 on our other computer that he used to use, but my parents decided that from now on all of us will be using our new computer which isn't K-9 compatible and no other filters are as hard to get around as it. If my brother really wants to look at these images, he'll find a way no matter what filters are put on the computer. Another thing is that I'm scared that these images or who-knows-what have really affected him. He has started to become incredibly disrespectful towards me and my sister. He speaks down at me, scorns me, makes up lies about me and honestly- he verbally abuses me. I'm getting this strange and uncomfortable feeling like every time he looks at me, he sees these women in their revealing (if any!!) clothes, in provocative poses! Who can respect women after looking at those images! I am so uncomfortable with this, and keeping this inside is starting to interfere with my functioning. I am starting to lose my self-respect just thinking about what he is looking at!!

[WriterAtHeart]

Hi, sorry it's been a while since I have updated the situation. We have K-9 on our other computer that he used to use, but my parents decided that from now on all of us will be using our new computer which isn't K-9 compatible and no other filters are as hard to get around as it. If my brother really wants to look at these images, he'll find a way no matter what filters are put on the computer. Another thing is that I'm scared that these images or who-knows-what have really affected him. He has started to become incredibly disrespectful towards me and my sister. He speaks down at me, scorns me, makes up lies about me and honestly- he verbally abuses me. I'm getting this strange and uncomfortable feeling like every time he looks at me, he sees these women in their revealing (if any!!) clothes, in provocative poses! Who can respect women after looking at those images! I am so uncomfortable with this, and keeping this inside is starting to interfere with my functioning. I am starting to lose my self-respect just thinking about what he is looking at!!

The disrespect and lying is all part of being a 13-year-old male. I went to a coed elementary school (in BY hs now) and guys are all obnoxious, immature, and extremely inappropriate at that age. (Like, seriously. You don't even want to know the stuff guys have said to me and my friends.) He'll grow out of that part. I doubt, although it's possible, it's because of whatever he's seen online. It's just part of the age.

I think you're just being a little paranoid when it comes to feeling like he sees whatever he's seen online when he looks at you. It's true that pornographic images can screw with how a guy perceives women, how they should look, act, etc., although it does depend (there are actually Feminist Porn Awards, believe it or not). Sex isn't the only thing on guys' minds (hopefully...), and your brother won't be thinking about whatever he's seen online 24/7. I have to assume that 99% of guys look this kind of stuff up, and it's not like they're all sex-crazed maniacs who have no respect for women. (Well. Whatever.)

Please don't lose your self-respect based on this. There's absolutely no reason for it. Women who work in the porn industry are just actors who need to make a living, and their self-respect isn't affected by their job choice. Don't let it affect yours. (Sorry if this came out wrong, but I've tried rephrasing this like five times.)

It's completely understandable that this is distracting you because you're keeping it bottled up, though. I know this is easier said than done, but please don't let it bother you. I think it's pretty much inevitable that he'll be looking that stuff up, but if you really wanna do something proactive about it...I think it would be uber awkward for you to talk about this with your brother, so I suggest talking to your rebbetzin to talk to the rabbi and have him make a general shiur about it or something like that.

Again, why do you think your parents would react so badly to this? I feel like it's not fair to you for you to have to deal with this alone.

[knock6495]

If my brother really wants to look at these images, he'll find a way no matter what filters are put on the computer.

I disagree. Again, I had this situation for a short while with my nephew, and most (Jewish? Maybe just me?) guys really are ashamed of doing such things. You could have a guy who he respects confront him, if you really think the K9 wouldn't work.


Another thing is that I'm scared that these images or who-knows-what have really affected him. He has started to become incredibly disrespectful towards me and my sister. He speaks down at me, scorns me, makes up lies about me and honestly- he verbally abuses me. I'm getting this strange and uncomfortable feeling like every time he looks at me, he sees these women in their revealing (if any!!) clothes, in provocative poses! Who can respect women after looking at those images! I am so uncomfortable with this, and keeping this inside is starting to interfere with my functioning. I am starting to lose my self-respect just thinking about what he is looking at!!

There probably is a grain of truth to what you're saying, but not enough to really be worried. He's just reaching that "teenage" age...don't think his watching and the disrespect are connected. You could just as easily connect his actions to something he heard his friends doing, or something he read in a book.

[flacky]

i understand why you would feel so upset

obviously from the fact that you called your brother a "tzadikal" it seems to imply that he was always until this started your cute younger brother who you adored

now he's becoming more of a man who's filled with great potential but with those great advantages always comes some sort of negative trait

he's still your adorable younger brother but now he is trying to find where he is not just a kid but a man

that may explain why he's acting that way toward you to try to promote himself (of course thats not the correct way)

show him you'll give him his space and that you really care for him, try to spend some time with him just between you two

in regard to the fact that he seems to be looking at some inappropriate websites; i believe the next step really is very dependent on if he realized you saw him

you said that you don't feel your parents will know how to react which i can defiantly understand so lets opt out that option

for you to discuss the issue with him is not practical because he won't feel you can relate to him (frankly you are a girl he is a boy)

so i believe that through spending time together having a good time it will 1)occupy his time with better stuff
2)as he's maturing he will start to realize how deep a person is and how love and trust is not so superficial
3)he won't feel alone which is often what leads people to porn

but remember there's no cure for these things and most boys just learn to control themselves

good luck

[WriterAtHeart]

ftr, I asked my two of my friends (one has five brothers, the other has four) what they would do in this situation, and they both said that while it would depend on which brother they thought it was, they would just straight-out ask him what's up with it. (That's a direct quote. My friend said "I would just ask him 'what's up with this?'")

[BY matdel]

Again, why do you think your parents would react so badly to this? I feel like it's not fair to you for you to have to deal with this alone.

I'm way too afraid that they won't react properly to this and there's a great chance that they won't. First of all, they don't react properly to anything us teenage siblings do. Second of all, if you saw the way my parents reacted when my doctor said she was sending me to the hospital for eating disorders or the way they treat my brother with ADHD, you would understand. My mother treated me like I was disgusting and worse than she already was treating me (she's jealous because she has been struggling with her weight for years with no success) and my father encouraged me not to eat (which he already was doing, but now he saw it was 'working'). Eventually, it was too hard for me so I started making myself 'gain weight' for the weigh-ins and I didn't even have to go to treatment in the end. I just have weigh-ins every little while, which are becoming more spaced-out as I figure out more ways to trick the scale and my doctor gets more reassured that I am 'normal'. That's how my parents helped me. They treat my brother with ADHD like some 'thing' (lack of a better word). Every time that my brother acts hyper my father starts yelling at him to take his medicine, as if the pills make him perfect. My parents don't want their children to be 'freaks' or have 'issues' so my parents would probably deny it, and make my brother feel EXTREMELY ashamed and disgusting, besides telling him that it was me that told them. I have enough experience that I don't need to give them a chance. That's why I believe they will 'react badly to this'.

[WriterAtHeart]

I'm way too afraid that they won't react properly to this and there's a great chance that they won't. First of all, they don't react properly to anything us teenage siblings do. Second of all, if you saw the way my parents reacted when my doctor said she was sending me to the hospital for eating disorders or the way they treat my brother with ADHD, you would understand. My mother treated me like I was disgusting and worse than she already was treating me (she's jealous because she has been struggling with her weight for years with no success) and my father encouraged me not to eat (which he already was doing, but now he saw it was 'working'). Eventually, it was too hard for me so I started making myself 'gain weight' for the weigh-ins and I didn't even have to go to treatment in the end. I just have weigh-ins every little while, which are becoming more spaced-out as I figure out more ways to trick the scale and my doctor gets more reassured that I am 'normal'. That's how my parents helped me. They treat my brother with ADHD like some 'thing' (lack of a better word). Every time that my brother acts hyper my father starts yelling at him to take his medicine, as if the pills make him perfect. My parents don't want their children to be 'freaks' or have 'issues' so my parents would probably deny it, and make my brother feel EXTREMELY ashamed and disgusting, besides telling him that it was me that told them. I have enough experience that I don't need to give them a chance. That's why I believe they will 'react badly to this'.

I am so sorry. I understand it now. I'm sorry you had to go through all that for me, really - I feel bad now. Mechila?

Re your brother - I really think the best plan of action is to ask a rabbi/rebbetzin what their advice would be, or to confront him about this yourself. It does sound like your parents would give more negativity to the situation.

There's this great org called Relief Resources, and they have an eating disorder hotline - contact info here http://reliefhelp.org/contact.htm, Devorah Levinson 718-431-9501 Ext. 103 dlevinson@reliefhelp.org. You deserve the best, and you have the right for the opportunity to reach out and talk.

[flacky]

believe it or not their are so many of us who suffer similar situations with parents and we can really support each other

all i can do is reiterate my advice that you guys spend time amongst yourselves to give each other the much needed support only siblings can give one another

[knock6495]

I'm way too afraid that they won't react properly to this and there's a great chance that they won't.

Maybe instead of your parents, you should find another person he looks up to, if you don't think you can confront him yourself.

I know that when I watched this stuff at his age, I would have rather died than gotten an earful from a parent. Find someone who can relate to his situation.

[BY matdel]

There's this great org called Relief Resources, and they have an eating disorder hotline - contact info here http://reliefhelp.org/contact.htm, Devorah Levinson 718-431-9501 Ext. 103 dlevinson@reliefhelp.org. You deserve the best, and you have the right for the opportunity to reach out and talk.

Do you really expect me to call this person? I'm not going to do that. I'm fine, really. Don't worry about it.

[WriterAtHeart]

Do you really expect me to call this person? I'm not going to do that. I'm fine, really. Don't worry about it.

A friend of a friend of a friend (if you can follow that) was actually the one who told me about it, she's struggled with weight and stuff like that, and she did reach out there. I'm not expecting you to do anything, but it's always nice to have options open, you know?

[BY matdel]

I looked at the history today and he had searched for nude teen s*x pictures in google and p*rn stars. My heart dropped to my stomach.
I'm also wondering if I should delete his history before my parents see it. I know that they would just yell at him etc. which wouldn't help anything.
The only 'good' part of all of this is that I know that my parents don't check the history so I don't have to be so careful to delete my search history. (Not 'inappropiate' things. I'm kind of 'addicted' to pro-ana sites. It's pathetic and I try not to, but sometimes I can't resist...)

[knock6495]

I looked at the history today and he had searched for nude teen s*x pictures in google and p*rn stars. My heart dropped to my stomach.


No! You're covering up his crap for him. Fix the issue, don't hide it.

This is a major problem in the Jewish community. We don't air our dirty laundry out, and it festers until it becomes a real issue. Tell someone who you think can get him to stop, or deal with it yourself.

(As for the ana, you're beautiful as you are right now. Society is screwed up.)

[WriterAtHeart]

Okay, I think it's time for you to talk to your brother about this. Just tell him how women depicted in porn online aren't in any way realistic depictions, it can hurt future relationships to think of women as such, and how Judaism really frowns upon it. You might wanna delete his history, just to be safe. (And ftr, if he's looking up stuff with "teen" in the title, that could be considered child porn, which could really start some trouble. I know I watch too much L&O: SVU, but still.)

Re the pro-ana sites...I vaguely remember reading an article about them on adiosbarbie.com a while ago, but couldn't find it again (although I did find a different one - just search "pro-ana" in the search box). There's a Natasha Friend book, I think Perfect, that also explores the concept, but she doesn't call it pro-ana. Those kind of sites are just going to hurt you. The girls who go onto those sites are weak, and looking for a community of other weak people to emote with. THAT'S NOT YOU!!! You are better than that.

[BY matdel]

No! You're covering up his crap for him. Fix the issue, don't hide it.

This is a major problem in the Jewish community. We don't air our dirty laundry out, and it festers until it becomes a real issue. Tell someone who you think can get him to stop, or deal with it yourself.

I don't want to cover it up for him!!! I WANT TO FIX THE ISSUE!!! But I don't know anyone who can just 'tell him to stop and boom! He'll stop!! And I don't know how to deal with it myself. I'm stuck!

[WriterAtHeart]

I don't want to cover it up for him!!! I WANT TO FIX THE ISSUE!!! But I don't know anyone who can just 'tell him to stop and boom! He'll stop!! And I don't know how to deal with it myself. I'm stuck!

I really really think that you do have options. Don't think that you're stuck. There are always ways.

1. Talk to him yourself. I asked my friend who has five brothers, three of whom are older, about what she would do in this situation, and she said she would just go over to the brother she assumed was the perpetrator and say "What's up with this?"

2. Your shul's rabbi/rebbetzin, someone your brother respects.

3. A teacher - whether one of his that you know or one of yours that has contact with your brother.

It might be a wise idea to put filters on his computer - that way at least he has to work a little harder to get to whatever images.

Does he have an older friend that he respects that could talk to him about this?

[BY matdel]

I really really think that you do have options. Don't think that you're stuck. There are always ways.

1. Talk to him yourself. I asked my friend who has five brothers, three of whom are older, about what she would do in this situation, and she said she would just go over to the brother she assumed was the perpetrator and say "What's up with this?"

2. Your shul's rabbi/rebbetzin, someone your brother respects.

3. A teacher - whether one of his that you know or one of yours that has contact with your brother.

It might be a wise idea to put filters on his computer - that way at least he has to work a little harder to get to whatever images.

Does he have an older friend that he respects that could talk to him about this?

1. As I have mentioned previously, I have an awful relationship with him. He is haughty and I can't have a normal conversation with him. He'll just explode and do who-knows-what!!
2. I don't feel comfortable talking to a rabbi or rebbetzin - besides that my brother doesn't really respect them.
3. I don't speak to men and I don't think that my brother is close with any and my teachers are girls- aren't going to speak to him.

I tried putting on a filter, but they're not compatible with this version of the computer.
I don't think that he really has anyone to speak to, but I could be wrong...I dunno...

[WriterAtHeart]

1. As I have mentioned previously, I have an awful relationship with him. He is haughty and I can't have a normal conversation with him. He'll just explode and do who-knows-what!!
2. I don't feel comfortable talking to a rabbi or rebbetzin - besides that my brother doesn't really respect them.
3. I don't speak to men and I don't think that my brother is close with any and my teachers are girls- aren't going to speak to him.

I tried putting on a filter, but they're not compatible with this version of the computer.
I don't think that he really has anyone to speak to, but I could be wrong...I dunno...

1. Yeah, I guess it's that age - my friend went through stages like this with her younger brothers too.

2. Are there any adults your brother respects?

3. You wouldn't speak to a guy to help your brother? Whatever, different strokes for different folks.

[flacky]

from what you're writing now it appears the issue is much greater then a simple porn desire
you write how you have an awful relationship with your brother, your parents don't know how to react, and he doesn't respect rabbis
sounds to me like i would be pretty lonely in that state...
take the hard initiative of trying to improve your relationship...a lot of times harsh reactions are just desperate pleas for help