Ima, I fell in love with a Pagan...

[KochavimShelSarai]

I wandered into the local chabad last shavous, and since then... i have gotten tickets to go to seminary for a year and have every intention to live a shomer mitzvos life. But everyday i struggle. It pains me, this breaking between my past and future. And i literally will sit with a room full of my secular non-jewish friends thinking about judiasm in a way thats almost hurtful. I physically am pained because I cannot accept becoming shomer mitzvos, but I feel in the depth of my heart it is emes.

I cant describe the feeling im trying to tell you. I believe in something with every fiber of my being as truth, but can't do it. It feels like im looking at Hashem through a glass door. Where reaching for it, will shatter everything, and cut me in the process.

But, as I accepted my endeavor to lean Torah and Halacha, I became excited, enthralled, absolutely.... blissful. Well, that is until I fell in love with a pagan.

Haha, no, not even a Christian... a Pagan. An idol worshipping pagan. I didnt even know those existed until I met him. And even then i didnt really think much of it. But long story short, in the last two months I've truly fallen in love with him. And where as I may be only eighteen, I understand what love is, and how it is that sense of unconditional respect and admiration and companionship. He has two little sisters (nine and six) who we regularly watch. We go grocery shopping with them, take them to the park, go on walks with them. It feels as if we already have our own family. Let alone the fact I am living with him. I wake up next to him and feel so, in love. Ill get up and play with the girls. Try and help his mother with them. Then there is the fact him and I are both out of our minds. We both took off for a weekend and ended up in canada. I feel like I have found my basheret... but he's not Jewish! Not to mention my internal struggle to become shomer mitzvos is already a hard battle to fight!!!

So, last week, he told me he wants to come to Israel with me. Then a few nights ago he told me he'll convert for me. And two days ago, he proposed. Mind you, our "togetherness" was a sheer accident. I never intended to be with someone who was not jewish... even "just to date." We aren't even technically dating. We just live with one another, share a family, help one another, enjoy each other's company... Oh, and fell in love.

Now, I am asking for advice. I love a man who is not Jewish, but is willing to convert for me. Is this even kosher?! I believe if he learns Torah he'll fall in love with Judaism like I have (from the first day I met him, i have felt a Jewish neshama in him... if that makes any sense) but is it alright to let him fall in love with torah simply because he needs to in order to marry me? Should I let him follow me half way around the world? Am I just being foolish? I could marry him and raise a jewish family with him and be completely in love an happy. But all that plays in my head is, "Ima, I fell in love with a pagan..."

[WriterAtHeart]

Re difficulty keeping a shomer mitzvot life: You can take it slow, the way you're comfortable with. If you don't want to go to shul one Shabbos, don't. If you're not in the mood to say a bracha before you eat something, don't. But when you do want to do it, do it. That way you'll ease into it and won't feel like you're being forced.

Re your pagan dude: Okay, so about kosher gerut. I have a Twersky as a teacher who is absolutely amazing, and she explained the different types of gerut to us. (This is from my notes with editing for clarity):

1. A Jewish nishama falls into body of a non-Jew. The nishama is like oil and the body is like water, so you can see the oil (nishama) and skim it off of the water (body). Because it's a light mixture, the non-Jew will convert on his/her own. The ger/giyoret feels like a stranger among non-Jews, his/her nishama feels weird as a non-Jew but sees Jews and wants to be one. Eg Rachav, Yitro.

2. A combination of oil with juice, it's harder to get out. Eg an eishet yifat toar, this kind of person who's forced to convert.

3. The nishama falls so low that there's no koach for us to release it, dry cleaning won't take oil stain out. Only Mashiach and Hashem can give forgiveness to this person.

So I guess your dude would fall under #2, cuz he's converting after being introduced to Judaism in a context of conversion (being "forced"). Get rabbinical advice on this though, I'm just a teen who likes Chumash. :)

If he's meant to convert, he has the nishama in him. If he's not meant to convert, he won't, since he's not ever meant to be a Jew. I think you shouldn't feel guilty to introduce him to Torah just for the sake of converting for you. If he's really a Jew, he'll be called to it.

If he does end up converting, then chances are he'll end up in Israel anyway - it's almost impossible to get a conversion without going there. (It's almost impossible to get a conversion, period. But that's a whole other story.) Aliza Hausman, of the Jewminicana blog (alizahausman.net), is a Jamaican convert to Judaism (and is now a rebbetzin). She would be a really great person to contact about this, since she does a lot of convert outreach, and she could probably lead you to the right resources and people to talk to.

Whatever happens, good luck with everything. Tizku l'mitzvot!