Porn Pressure

[aladin]

I'm new here but i see this is a good place. So here is my dilemna. Last year we had team practices for a certain team in a certain school in a certain city... I live fairly close to the yeshiva so sometimes guys stay over at my house so they dont have to go home that night.

One time the guy was on my computer and started looking at porn sites. So I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, I felt a little weird about it and said just erase the history and cookied when ur done, don't leave a mess. He said he wasn't gonna j*ck o** or anything because he had 'control'. Well I couln't really sleep and I couldn't help but ease my eyes open a little bit and I saw he did j*ck o**, and I wanted to too, but didn't.

Let me just make it clear now, I aint no saint. I occasionally watch porn and m-bate, but I always feel bad and am always trying to stop. It seems like it was really getting better but here it started to go bad again.

The next time he did it again but this time I was sort of expecting it, I told him i didn't want him to do that kind of stuff but he did it anyways, but to tell you the truth i was kind of hoping he did. Well I dont know what came over me but I participated with him, I showed him some sites or whatever. Then he asked if I minded if he j*cked o**. I said no and I did it too, but without 'whipin it out' so to say. I felt b ad afterward and it was a bit akward in school the next day but the feeling faded away.

At this point I started to feel like I was gay. We weren't watching gay porn or anything but it still felt a bit gay. So I looked online on diff forums and stuff and I read that most people had had same sex sexual experinces out of 'curiosity' so to say. So it made feel a bit better about the whole thing.

So a couple of weeks later he came over and I knew what would happen, but I kind of wanted it to. So the same thing happened but this time we figured its annoying to m-bate with ur pants on so we just said screw it, so I was sitting in front of him and he was behind me ...Whatever.

Anyways some time later he asks if we could sort of do favors for each other, if you catch m drift. I told him that theoretically maybe I would but it was already the end of the year so we made up maybe next yr.

Summer came and went.

So he sort of asks if he can come over but I made real improvement over the summer with masturbation and all that I really didnt want to mess it up. so I told him a flat out no you cant stay at my house but I really wanted to. I mean I;d much rather it be a girl but the aveirah aspect is so much greater plus i try to refrain from gf's because of that plus a bunch of diff reasons. But I'm telling him no. He asks me if I think hes gay so I say no, because I know if he had a girl or guy hed go for the girl.

He tries bargaining with me like we'll both save up, cause hes trying to improve himself too but he has slow internet and no comp in his room so its hard for him to release his sexual pressure.

I don;t want to do it, but I do want to do it. I mean I just want tthe experience already. I have given it serious thought but I havent spoken to him about for a few months. So I have these thoughts inside me but I want them to either go away or come true, depends on my mood.

So the bottom line is- what should I do?

[kiyara]

hmm whoa this is pretty intense.
I gather that u dont think that ur gay from what u wrote here, but just to ask, have u ever had any sexual/turned on/excited feelings about this boy, or any other guy?

and there is definitely a spectrum, on one end is complete homosexuality, and then on the other is complete heterosexuality, with probably some homophobia mixed in. most ppl are in the middle, prefering one (hetero or homo) but of course with curious feelings about the other, because it exists and is somewhat taboo.....

a lot of guys i know, most actually, would say that what you did (masturbating in the same room/same time as another guy) is "gay". I dont know about that. although it does sound like had you guys kept on going, then ou wouldve eventually done some sexual stuff with each other. and it is also possible that he or u is bisexual. if u are worried about being homosexual u could u know, get a bit closer with a girl u know and see if it does anything for u, and then u might be clearler. i dont think it is a good idea for u to completeely submit to ur sex drive and let this guy come over and "do favors for each other" bc ull probably end up regretting it somewhere along the tline. at least disucss it.
are u guys friends anyway? like, in school, budies, pals, wahtevre , or is it just this sexually based relationship?

[aladin]

No we'refriends. I am definitely straight. I don't have temptations for guys like I do for girls.

[ElectricMayhem]

[Pretend I just quoted the first post]

First, when you say "the aveiros are so much greater" with a girl, that's not necessarily the case. If you go too far with a girl, it's certainly a big deal, but you're not chayav misa - unlike mishkav zachar.
Second, I'm having trouble understanding why exactly you want this so badly. If there's no real emotional attachment, how is that better than doing it yourself?
Third, isn't it pretty clear that this guy is just using you? He doesn't have easy access to porn, and he wants to guarantee himself regular access to sexual experiences. Since he knows you've let him do so in the past and even joined him, he naturally thinks of you. And by the way - since when do you need porn to release sexual energy? M-bation came around long before porn. (Otherwise, Rambam wouldn't have mentioned it in the 1100s.) Not that I'm saying it's OK, but I'm saying that this guy is being dishonest with you, and perhaps himself as well.

[aladin]

I guess I just want the experience...

[ElectricMayhem]

You "want the experience?" What does that mean? You still haven't clarified. Do you mean...you want to express your sexual energies? There are other ways to do that. Do you mean that you want to be able to say you've done it? That seems a little juvenile. Do you mean that you want to share your sexual feelings with someone else? Post on theLockers, or pick up a phone. Whatever your motivation is, there's a better way to get done whatever you want to do. Or maybe there's something here I'm missing...

[kiyara]

electric, you dont need to be so condescending, i just htink that aladin is confused and feels like "here is something new, different, sort of taboo, and i want to try it out"
its pretty natural. but u might feel really weirded abouit it aterwards, and also feel like u have to do more stuff with him as time goes on, and what would that make u guys?

[ElectricMayhem]

Wow, kiyara, you're right, I just read over my post and it really does come over that way. TOTALLY not the tone I had in my head at the time. Sorry, aladin, I didn't mean to insult you, I'm just trying to say that I can't logically understand what motivation there is here.

[aladin]

I'm thinking about it too, and I feel like the regret would go way too far and is not worth it

[Blink]

tell him to get lost; simple

[WhoAmI]

so hows the issue been so far?? fill us in, dont let the yetzer hara win!

[aladin]

the kid never mentioned it again... it all worked out

[True_Jew]

the kid never mentioned it again... it all worked out

Hey I wasn't going to join this site originally, I was just looking around and then I read your thing and I couldn't help myself I had to reply to it. I dunno maybe those other people satisfied you but I don't think they really understood where you were coming from. I mean right away from reading your situation I understand what you were saying. You feel guilty about m-bating and lookin at porn and stuff but you're like adicted so it's hard to get off it and you're trying and then this kid is like pressuring you and you don't want to but at the same time you really do cause its like an addiction and that whole thing where that person asked if you were gay or something was completely radical. Wanting the experience isn't gay I have friends who've done it with each other and do it with each other and they're far from gay. It's just like you know you want someone else to do it for you just cause it feels 'cooler' so to speak when you're not the one doing the work right so anyways to help you out i know what you're saying and if you really are serious about wanting to stop you gotta take it slowly. I am shomer negiyah right now and I went through a hard time getting here. I broke up with a gf just to be shomer and I h ad that same problem of m-bating after she left n stuff n i felt rlly guilty cause i was like why am i shomer if im not gonna be serious about this whole thing m-bating is cares which is like ten times worse than hookin up with a girl which according to the rambam as im told is only whippin. but the way i stopped if you want to try is don't go all the way. Go slowly cause what i learned is when you try to cut it off completely and you go all the way at the start you get overwhelmed and you give up. Don't do that. Go slowly say im gonna stop watchin porn first n then once u give up porn start tryin to slowly stop m-batin n eventually you'll be clean like me for 3 monthes =) I hope I helped cause I know that it musta been eating you inside;) ani ohev et kol yehudi