someone define "right"?

[diamtricalduality]

Let me start by saying that I'm a ba'al teshuvah, and that my parents aren't quite on the same page as I am, so to speak, they keep some mitzvos and accomodate me, which i'm really thakful for, but when I decided(after months of deliberation and looking up shulchan aruch sources etc..), to wear a black hat and jacket..my mom said to me "I have no son" when i came in with the box, mind you, I used my own money, and didn't ask anything of either of my parents. she's starting to warm up to it a little bit now, after explaining to her how serious I was, the sources and everything else..i'm starting to think she's a self-hater, in some ways, she thinks "black haters" as she calls them, are extreme or fantical, kivud ave ve'aim is a problem of mine, but i odn't really know what to do, I've considered that fact that it mgiht be more important than the hat itslef, but that just sin't good enough for me.

[TheShiznay]

Diamtricalduality,
I know how you feel. In recent years I became much more stringent on Tznius and Tefillah (among other things that weren't possible to keep in my home) than my mother is and at first it caused a lot of friction between us. ("I'm not going all the way into Brooklyn just to buy you a skirt without slits! Wear what you have!" etc.)

Lately, I've been wanting to grow closer to God by doing what I feel is right, but my mother disagrees with all of my opinions and has disowned me as her daughter countless times. All it seems I'm doing is violating kibbud eim by being who I am, my mere existance is causing her pain, which is exactly what I don't want to do.

I spoke to my rabbi in school who says Kibbud Eim is the most important thing, unless she's asking you to violate a mitzvah d'oraisah. But as far as stringencies, Kibbud Eim seems to come first.

I really don't know what to do, and I'm speaking to him again, because I don't want to compromise what I've grown to become, nor do i want to hamper my growth but I don't want to disrespect my mother either.

I don't have an answer, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[diamtricalduality]

Diamtricalduality,
I know how you feel. In recent years I became much more stringent on Tznius and Tefillah (among other things that weren't possible to keep in my home) than my mother is and at first it caused a lot of friction between us. ("I'm not going all the way into Brooklyn just to buy you a skirt without slits! Wear what you have!" etc.)

Lately, I've been wanting to grow closer to God by doing what I feel is right, but my mother disagrees with all of my opinions and has disowned me as her daughter countless times. All it seems I'm doing is violating kibbud eim by being who I am, my mere existance is causing her pain, which is exactly what I don't want to do.

I spoke to my rabbi in school who says Kibbud Eim is the most important thing, unless she's asking you to violate a mitzvah d'oraisah. But as far as stringencies, Kibbud Eim seems to come first.

I really don't know what to do, and I'm speaking to him again, because I don't want to compromise what I've grown to become, nor do i want to hamper my growth but I don't want to disrespect my mother either.

I don't have an answer, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I wasn't expecting an answer, since either a "yes" or a "No" would be insufficient, thanks for understanding, such is rare. anyway, this is the first time my mom said such a thing, and we've always had a very close relationship, this is what worries me, my father didn't like her saying it though, so at least he saw how wrong she was, perhaps i was wrong in forcing my chumras on them, but that does not justify disowning a son who, aside from being obstinate, hasn't done anything deserving of such.

[stardust]

HI, just want to say a Chumra (chamor) is not from what I learned, halacha.It's an extra a fence and it's for people who are so down with Halacha, and want to make fences that they than take on chumra's. I don't think it means your closer to G'd or more religious and I quote that from a big Rav who I asked about chumra's because I myself was in a similar situation to yours except I didn't want to take on the chumra.

From what I know, in the Gemara when they spoke about a head covering, a kova, they were actually referring to a kipah. NOt a black hat. Also in the
50's at the Mere Yeshiva in Mea Shearim, they used to all where white hats.

Just remember, if a chumra makes you a better person and makes you feel more connected to Hashem, go for it. But it will never be your place, to impose your chumra on anyone else, esp your parents who without them, you'd not be here.
Your mom is not a self hater, and if you want her to respect you and see your view, you must respect her and go the extra mile in loving her.
She prob doesn't like black hats because of what they represent. It's not her brand of Judaism. THis does not make her a self hater by any means.
FYI in this day in age, orthodox Judaism is considered extreme, so perhaps she's not so far off in thinking the black hat community(known for holding by CHumra's) is extreme. HOpe I didn't offend you, one of my rabbi's has a black hat and he even told me, chumra's are not necessary. Peace and Love.
Let me start by saying that I'm a ba'al teshuvah, and that my parents aren't quite on the same page as I am, so to speak, they keep some mitzvos and accomodate me, which i'm really thakful for, but when I decided(after months of deliberation and looking up shulchan aruch sources etc..), to wear a black hat and jacket..my mom said to me "I have no son" when i came in with the box, mind you, I used my own money, and didn't ask anything of either of my parents. she's starting to warm up to it a little bit now, after explaining to her how serious I was, the sources and everything else..i'm starting to think she's a self-hater, in some ways, she thinks "black haters" as she calls them, are extreme or fantical, kivud ave ve'aim is a problem of mine, but i odn't really know what to do, I've considered that fact that it mgiht be more important than the hat itslef, but that just sin't good enough for me.

[darkfairyeyes]

As corny as it sounds I am a firm believer that only you can know what is truly right for yourself as is the same for me.

[lalagoboomboom]

According to the Torah, if your parents tell you to go against it, you shouldnt listen even though it starts the problem of kibud av ve'am. I think its amazing that you became a Ba'al Teshuva and should continue regardless of what your parents think becuase in time they'll get used to it and maybe would change their perspectives like you did.