I'm a typical yeshiva guy. No serious gf ever or drugs etc... I started finding single yeshiva style life boring about a year ago. Now don't worry- I have had my share of fun etc, so don't think I'm not getting out enough. I've thought about it and deceided marriage would be the best thing. Meaning its time to move on in life. But here is the issue: in my cirles we don't start typically dating (for a wife) till post Israel (my guys are going late this year and early next year), meaning like 22 or 23 years old. How do I tell my parents I don't wanna stick around and that I kinda can't because of what I've said before, and I'm kinda finding myself attracted to women these days- more then my teenage tears. I hope I was clear, but any ideas?

I don't think you should just get married because society is telling you to. You need to be 100% ready. You don't find love, love finds you.

Its not society telling me to marry. Its my inner self saying it.

Well... I'm not sure where to start. I'm not nearly the age to start thinking about marriage, but listing to my brother (a Baal Teshuv), and seeing my parents terrible relationship, I have been thinking a lot about marriage as well.
One thing I find odd is how my brother and I intersect and diverge on the subject. I think it's great to get married young. Most people don't understand when you get married young you grow together; You forge a life together. Not having to compromise things you've learned with another person... but experiencing life as one. Now, my brother and I get this. I'm not religious per say, but I can't wait to start my life with someone at a young age. He, on the other hand, is in med school, going to shul everyday... trying to learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, from dawn 'till dusk. He wants to postpone his marriage until he is at least in his mid-to late 20's.
I just want to do something mediocre with my life. I have fantasies of forgetting my family and flying off to join the Israeli Army, but I know I can't just get up and leave, and I know what ever I do in America, will be community based. So, I can't wait to start. Those are our main differences.

I think the question you need to ask yourself, is not are you old enough to get married... but are you ready to grow up (as in, we never really stop maturing) with someone else. Are you at a point in your life were you find yourself not bored, but completely content with where you are, and are looking for someone else to complete a lifestyle you find appealing. Because, one thing I have learned from watching my brother and my parents is that in order to have a successful marriage, you need to be a successful you. Don't rush it because your bored. After going to Israel I became a new person, and couldn't even contemplate the old me. If you truly want to start dating, just understand that your young (by the sounds of it 19, 20, 21) and your going to change a billion times over in the next few years. You have to be certain that by seeking marriage your seeking to fulfill your life, but not necessarily complete yourself.

[it's quite late... I hope I helped... and sorry if I wasn't so coherent]

While growing WITH someone is one outcome of marrying young.. another outcome is that you end up growing apart and learning that as you get older, you don't work.

Don't get married until you are 100% sure of who YOU are and what YOU want. You don't want to find a few years down the line that the person you married because you thought it was time will change or you will change.

I'm a typical yeshiva guy. No serious gf ever or drugs etc... I started finding single yeshiva style life boring about a year ago. Now don't worry- I have had my share of fun etc, so don't think I'm not getting out enough. I've thought about it and deceided marriage would be the best thing. Meaning its time to move on in life. But here is the issue: in my cirles we don't start typically dating (for a wife) till post Israel (my guys are going late this year and early next year), meaning like 22 or 23 years old. How do I tell my parents I don't wanna stick around and that I kinda can't because of what I've said before, and I'm kinda finding myself attracted to women these days- more then my teenage tears. I hope I was clear, but any ideas?

marriage is a good thing. well lets just point something out to start- you dont have to tell your parents that youre "kinda finding myself attracted to women these days." i would hope that they know that. "more then my teenage years..." i dontt hink thats so relevant to your parents.

so really you just wanna tell your parents that you wanna start dating. well- why would they be opposed to it? are they the type to be scared of their son dating alittle bit earlier than the rest of the town? are they opposed to it religiously? if the reason is religious, you can easliy just whip out loads of gemaras on them. (the ages of the amoraim when they got married 16...15...14!, the amora (i forgot who) who said that if only he woudl have married at 15 and not 16 he would have been on a higher madreigah, the gemara that says that if a talmid is distracted by his desire for a wife he should l'chatchila stop shteigin and go find a wife... im sure there are more...)

if they have a social reason, then thats a p'gam on their part. they l'chatchla shouldnt base their ideologies on the social standards. if thats the case, they should do some reconsideration. and if they are too ignorant to do that, its not the end of the world.

parents want whats best for their kids. how can you tell them that you want to start dating? tell them what you told us (and more)! you're feeling distracted because you want to start dating. as long as this is you speaking and not your yetzer hara, i.e. this is you telling them what YOU think is best for you, they dont have much of an argument otherwise. if theyre worried that dating will take away from your learning? 1- it might- but you're gonna have to date eventually! 2- the LACK of dating also seems to be taking away from your learning (if youre distracted). if they dont think youre ready, speak from your heart, not your yetzer hara. youre the best judge to decide if youre ready or not. ask your personal rav also... see what he says.

good luck!

p.s. how bad would it be for you to start dating whtout telling your parents?

Very well said. U make some good points I've touched upon, but in a more elaborate way. What about if they lack confidednce in me? They're not exactly the pushover type so it might be a struggle.

Prove to them that they shouldn't lack confidence.

Well, it sounds like you come from a pretty yeshivish family and I happen know a lot of families like that, in which the parents also wouldn't allow their kids to go out until they're a certain age. Most of the time, it's like cooldudeman said, because of society and its standards.

But sometimes it's because they think their kid is too immature and/or not ready for marriage and being that they generally have more experience in marital issues than us teens, I'd say you have to make sure that your parents aren't right, before starting dating.

Be that as it may, if you really are certain, maybe a good idea would be to approach a rabbi or teacher that your parents know and respect, tell him why you want to start dating, and if he agrees that it's best for you, maybe he can convince your parents. Good luck and may you find your zivug at the right time!

Your so very right. That is perceisly where the problem lies. I can't seem to find that rabbi. Ive spoken to a few already, and they kinda took the middle road with this whole issue. I think I'll approach them on my own...