Well, I seem to always be upset with my dad. I can't look him in the eyes, I can't talk to him in person nor on the phone without getting mad, I can't hold a conversation with him. I don't understand why. Yes, he is intimidating, and has scared me before, but even so, he is my father. I am a 17 year old male in high school, and I thought before from ages 12-now that I could blame puberty and hormones flowing through my body, but still now I have the same problem. I realize the privilege of having both parents, and don't want to waste my teen years dreading when my father comes home because that means I have to talk to him. The smallest things he does annoys me, it's not right. How can I change this? How can I stop getting mad? I don't have this problem with my mom, but only my dad. This has brought me to tears, I don't want this to continue for another year.

im 17 and i have a really bad relationship with my dad too, but im pretty sure its just because hes a jerk x] what kind of things do you and your dad fight about? does he start the fight or do you?

What exactly does your dad do to upset you?

your situation is for sure a tough one. its so important for you to realize how incredible your attitude towards it is. most guys would say "i hate my father and i just want to run away and quit on my relationship with him" and avoid the problem. but you, contrarily, maturely realize that this problem can be improved. you realize that it's probably worth it to put extra effort for the sake of improving the relationship. as you said, " I realize the privilege of having both parents, and don't want to waste my teen years dreading when my father comes home because that means I have to talk to him." you realize that you're UPSET with your dad; you don't HATE your dad (you wouldnt want to fix the problem if you hated him)...

"I can't look him in the eyes, I can't talk to him in person nor on the phone without getting mad, I can't hold a conversation with him. I don't understand why. " right now, you "dont understand why." but you have to realize that it is very possible for you to figure it out. one way to figure out why is to think of memories- do you have memories of bad experiences with him? im assuming you do. now, do you have memories of good experiences with him? if theres more bad than good, that could easily be a reason. what has happened in the past when you looked him in the eyes? the only way to figure out why is to seriously introspect. sit alone and just think about it. think think think. of all memories. writing them down isnt a bad idea. this is not out of your capability.

apparently, you even started this yourself, a little bit: "he is intimidating, and has scared me before." good job. there you have a very significant reason for you to feel the way you do around your dad.

lets point something out: "I am a 17 year old male in high school, and I thought before from ages 12-now that I could blame puberty and hormones flowing through my body, but still now I have the same problem." firstly, 17-year-olds by no means are done with puberty or hormones. so if you're going to blame the situation on yourself, you CAN blame it on the hormones and puberty. but i dont think thats the real reason for the problem; every person goes through puberty, and not every person has a bad relationship with their father.

the problem and reason for your distress is that you (understandibly, due to human nature) are blaming the situation on yourself. you proved this when you said "but even so, he is my father... it's not right." here's the key. if you havent been paying attention until now, tune in.

when a person experiences an emotion, it is IMPOSSIBLE for that emotion to be correctly deemed as "unjustified." our emotions are programmed into us by G-d, just like, hunger, for example. to illustrate: when someone gets hungry, can anyone say that its unjustified? no! he's hungry! for some reason ( that he hasnt eaten in a while, or that he exerted a lot of energy and needs more, etc) he is hungry. does anyone ever feel guilty for getting hungry? of course not (lets leave people suffering from eating disorders out of the picture... thats why its called a DISORDER)! its the SAME EXACT thing with emotions. when someone lacks food, G-d programmed him to get hungry. and so too, you're programmed that when your dad does the things that he's done to you, you're programmed to have the emotional consequence that you're having. youre not in control of it, and its thus COMPLETELY illogical to feel guilty about it. its like feeling guilty for being a boy. its how G-d made you. your emotions towards your dad are only RESULTS from the things that has happened between you two (i'm assuming there have been bad ones, because you say that he's intimidating and scary). your feelings (just like ALL feelings) are COMPLETELY justified. you're not in control of those emotions; they are what G-d programmed into you. get what i'm saying?

so, why are you so unable to have anything to do with him? very simple. the stuff that he's done to you. lets make an observation: when a father has a young kid, its his job to make that kid like him. kids have no control over their feelings until much later in life. when a 3-year-old says "mommy i love you" she doesnt really love her; she just likes how her mommy is always there for her. love is a much deeper feeling. so, lets be brutally honest: when you were growing up, it was your dads "responsibility" to make you like him. judging from your post, it seems like he did not accomplish this.

time out- lets analyze this. its very important for you to realize the difference between like and love. you "love" your father- that is the impetus of your desire to fix the relationship. but aside from the love, it seems like you simply dont like him. you do love him- but you cant even look at him- sounds lke you dont like him so much.

back to waht i was saying. seems like he did a crummy job. should you BLAME him for this? absolutely not- its probably not his fault; he probably didnt WANT you to not like him. maybe he just didnt know how to get you to like him. maybe he was too depressed. there are thousands of potential reasons. so blame has no place here.

so main points- 1- the cause of this situation is the things that he's done to you and your natural (and justified) feelings. 2- you cant interact with him because you dont like him so much, and you therefore dont want to interact with him.

so it seems like a stalemate. you dont want to hang out with him in any way, but you want to have a decent relationship; you WANT TO want to hang out with him in some way.

so now, " How can I change this? How can I stop getting mad?" talk to your mom, if you're emotinally able to. chances are that if youve had a rocky history with your dad, so has your mom. if you approach her and say "can we talk about dad?" she'll probably know exactly what youre talking about (but she might pretend not to, if she's in denial that her husband is imperfect). remember, this will be a very slow process. if he still is doing things that anger you, try to figure out why he does those things. (for example, if he feels disrespected when you leave your shoes by the doorway, and that causes him to do things that annoy you.) if you can figure it out, then you have the opportunity to be extremely mature (more mature than him) and make sure to avoid doing those things. what else? talk to siblings, if you have any. they probably had similar problems.

i think the best thing you can do is this: go talk to him. just say "hey dad." and talk about your day. make stuff up if you have to- tell him stuff that happened last week, month, or year if you have nothing else to say and say it happened today. if you feel yourself getting angry as youre speaking to him, remember- those feelings are not hatred- just anger. theyre not your fault, because you dont like him, and youre (justifiedly) frustrated that you have to do this. try to overcome the anger and keep talking- no matter how fake it feels. its not fake, because, remember: even though you dont like him, you love him. at first, this will be very difficult, not impossible, but difficult. but after the first time, you will feel a wind of complete freedom and accomplishment and it will only get easier to talk to him (slowly). but no matter how slow it is, you will feel a sense of fulfillment and amazingness. he might never stop doing the things that have angered you, but you can control the anger, if you continually combat it by simply doing something that contradicts it: talking to him.

this talking may be the hardest thing youve had to have done in your life, but its so worth it.

good luck- you can do it

i'd like to respond to the initial post, i believe cooldudeman's analysis was very accurate, but i would like to add a few practical suggestions...
i would consider letting your dad read the post, if my hypothetical son were to write something like that i would been really motivated to improve the relationship. if you think he will just get defensive try writing a response to his defensiveness beforehand so that you don't get wrapped up, your emotions are more controllable than you think.

if a grand potentially dramatic confrontation is not what you're looking for, and you just want to not get annoyed at everything he does you have at least 2 options
1. (less healthy but highly effective-personal experience) You can feel bad for him, i'm definitely not saying your dad's a neb but sometimes taking your parent off the pedestal can help you relate to them
2. (more healthy more difficult) try looking at his actions specifically the ones that bother you (i.e. just about all of them) and try imagining what you would do in that same situation, despite the fact that what you come up with might be "better" he doesn't have the advantage of looking back on it as you do, try and appreciate that he's doing what he thinks is right, most people generally do

Don't spend TOO much time around him if it really bothers you (for whatever reason-- I don't know you well enough to analyze lol). Instead, focus on making the few moments you do spend with him quality and pleasant. Try and end the conversation/moment before it gets uncomfortable. Do this enough and maybe you'll learn to enjoy eachother's company? Good luck!